How to Save a Life
by mercurywrites
Summary: How could Lily possibly save someone who doesn't want to be saved? A songfic to the song of the same title by The Fray.


_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk_

_He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
You begin to wonder why you came_

"Sev…I need to talk to you. It's important."

We were standing outside the huge stone castle of Hogwarts in the waning light of the evening sky. Classes had just ended for Christmas break, and I needed to talk to him before I went home to my parents for the week.

Severus Snape, my best friend since I was nine years old, was standing beside me, slightly hunched over, with his overlarge black cloak wrapped tightly around his slight frame, shielding him from the bitter December wind. For some reason, his onyx black eyes lit up at my words and he said, "Alright, Lily, but let's go inside. It's freezing out here."

Realizing the truth of his words, I suppressed a shiver. But however tempting the warmth of the castle sounded, I knew we needed to stay outside where no one would overhear us. Our conversation had to remain private. "I need to talk to you privately, Sev. Let's walk to the lake."

He wrapped his cloak more tightly around himself, but he didn't argue. We fell in stride with each other as we ambled through the light coating of snow scattered over the vast Hogwarts grounds. We walked side-by-side in peaceful silence until we reached the lake. A thin layer of ice reflected the pale silver glow of the rising moon, and the sweet serenity of the scene gave me a boost of much-needed confidence. "Sev, please don't be angry with me for what I have to tell you."

His dark eyes narrowed in confusion. "Why would I be angry?"

How could I tell him? How could I tell him that I didn't like his friends? How could I tell him that they were evil, and he would turn evil too if he continued to associate with them? How could I expect him not to be mad?

"Sev…I'm worried about you."

He folded his arms tightly across his chest. "You're worried about me," he repeated, an expression of doubt crossing his pale face, which appeared even whiter under the illumination of the nearly-full moon.

I nodded uncertainly. "Yes," I whispered, averting my gaze to the frosty ground.

He smirked. I hated it when he did that. I truly hated it. The old Severus – my Sev – didn't smirk like that. Only the new Slytherin Severus smirked; the Severus who hated Muggle-borns and thought involvement in the Dark Arts was something to be proud of. "Well?" he pressed on, "Why are you worried about me?"

It was at this point that I snapped. "I'm afraid of what you're becoming!" I shouted. I felt tears burning in my eyes, but I ignored them. I let them fall to the frozen ground, gladly allowing them to freeze there among the earth and snow. "I don't understand why you want to turn into – into – " I struggled on the verge of speech before spitting out venomously, "one of them."

He looked taken aback, but only for a moment. He quickly rearranged his look of total shock into one of fierce defiance. "I don't know what you're talking about," he hissed.

I briefly closed my eyes in an attempt to regain my composure. I was beginning to doubt my decision to come here.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

"I think you know exactly what I'm talking about," I said, my voice hardly more than a whisper.

Sev shifted uncomfortably under the fierce intensity of my stare. "I know you don't like the fact that I'm a Slytherin." His voice was low and dangerous, and I flinched reflexively. A pained look shot across his eyes, and he added softly, "I thought you were different than the rest of those Gryffindors."

Now it was my turn to feel hurt. Severus saying that I was no different than the rest of the Gryffindors was probably the worst insult I could receive from him. I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could say a word he turned his back on me and fled back toward the castle, his robes billowing dramatically out behind him. "Sev, wait!" I shouted, but my voice cracked painfully and I doubt if he heard me. I ran after him, determined to make him listen to me, desperate to resolve things before the Christmas break pulled us even farther apart.

I never really imagined Severus being a fast runner, but apparently I was very much mistaken. I finally caught up to him in the front courtyard, and I grabbed him by the arm to stop him. "Sev, please listen to me, just let me talk," I begged him.

He spun around, flinging his arm out of my grasp. "Why, Lily?" he snarled, and I noticed that his eyes were slightly bloodshot; "I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?"

_Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you_

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
_

"We _are, _Sev," I pleaded, "but I don't like some of the people you're hanging round with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber. _Mulciber_! What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?" We had resumed walking, and we came up to a grey stone pillar which I leaned back against, letting the cold numb my body. I stared up into his colorless face and waited for an answer.

"That was nothing. It was a laugh, that's all – "

Anger flared up within me. "That was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny – " I trailed off, my shock and rage preventing me from forming another coherent thought.

Sev's mouth contorted into a grimace. "What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" he sneered.

My eyebrows arched in irritated confusion. "What's Potter got to do with anything?"

Sev dropped his voice to a whisper, despite the fact that there was no one else outside to hear him. "They sneak out at night," he hissed, leaning in closer to me, "There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"

I rolled my eyes and instantly felt guilty when I saw the betrayed expression covering his face. However, I simply said, "He's ill. They say he's ill."

Sev snorted with skepticism. "Every night at the full moon?" he asked incredulously.

I sighed. This wasn't the first time Sev regaled me with his Marauder-related hypotheses. "I know your theory," I said irritably, "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

A look of sheer desperation surged through Sev's deep black eyes. "I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are." He was staring at me with such intensity that I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks, and I forced myself to look away.

"They don't use Dark Magic though," I objected once I was able to find my voice, "And you're being ungrateful." I had a sinking feeling I would regret saying this, but I went on anyway, "I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow. James Potter saved you from whatever's down there – "

"Saved? Saved?" Sev interjected, looking enraged, "You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to – I won't let you – " he stopped himself at once, realizing his dire mistake.

My eyes narrowed into two emerald green slits. "_Let_ me? _Let_ me?" I snarled. Who did Severus think he was?

His eyes widened and he backtracked at one. "I didn't mean – I just don't want to see you made a fool of – " he sputtered. He sighed and then, looking deeply pained, he howled, "He fancies you! James Potter fancies you! And he's not…everyone thinks…big Quidditch hero – "

I felt strangely sympathetic, and I gently cut him off before his bitter contempt made him say or do something he would regret. "I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag. I don't need you to tell me that. But Avery and Mulciber's idea of humor is just evil. _Evil_, Sev." I pushed myself off from the stone pillar and continued walking along through the moonlit courtyard. Sev followed me wordlessly, looking strangely smug. I sighed, wondering if he had even paid any attention to my lecture on Avery and Mulciber. I glanced up at the starry sky, which was quickly darkening from a deep purpley-blue to black, and said, "Maybe we should go inside. It'll be after hours soon."

Sev shrugged in response, and the two of us walked in awkward silence to the great oak doors leading into the castle on the other end of the courtyard. I reached up and grasped the cool grey handle hanging on the faded brown wood, and I gave it a firm tug. The door swung open with a faint creak and the orange torchlight from inside washed out over us into the rapidly approaching night. Sev turned left toward the narrowly constricted stairwell which led into the damp, cold dungeons beneath the lake. I continued walking straight to the grand staircase where I would ascend to the Gryffindor common room high up on the seventh floor. And although we were in the same building, it felt as though we were worlds apart.

As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath!"

There was a thick silence between us as I glared at him, broken only by the soft snores of the Fat Lady portrait behind us. "I only came out because Mary said you were threatening to sleep here," I said after a while.

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just – "

"Slipped out?" I snarled. That was no excuse. Nothing he could say would make what he did right. Nothing he could say would take back the pain and humiliation he caused me. "I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – " I paused, waiting for him to deny my accusation, praying that he would contradict it. However, he remained silent and my heart sank in helplessness and despair. "You see, you don't even deny it!" I cried, "You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" The tears that were threatening to escape my eyes were suddenly gone; all that was left was a fierce, passionate hatred burning deep in the darkest parts of my heart. I watched Sev's mouth open and close, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the strength. _Coward, _I thought bitterly. "I can't pretend anymore," I said firmly. My eyes were boring into his, and I could see a desperate sort of glint in them, making him look somewhat mad; "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

His head jerked irritably, as though he were shaking himself out of his momentary inability to speak. "No – listen, I didn't mean – "

"To call me Mudblood?" I sneered, sounding eerily like him. "But you call everyone else of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He seemed to struggle on the verge of speech, but I wasn't interested in hearing anything he had to say. I gave him one last venomous look, filled with loathing and contempt, before I turned my back on him forever and climbed back through the portrait hole.

I didn't think I had any tears left for Severus Snape, but the moment the portrait slammed shut behind me I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke up in the same place in front of the portal the next morning, feeling strangely raw and detached. I crawled to my knees and simply sat there, unmoving and unfeeling, for an indefinite amount of time until I heard the first set of footsteps moving around above my head. Grudgingly, I pulled myself to my feet and dragged myself to the bathroom. I stumbled blindly to the sink and, gripping the counter for support, slowly lifted my head to assess myself. The whites of my eyes were deeply bloodshot – snakes of ruby slithered around my bright green irises. The skin around them was puffy and swollen, and the rest of my face was blotchy and discolored. My disheveled auburn hair was plastered to my face by my tears. I stared at myself for a long time, wondering how everything went so wrong. "Oh, Sev," I choked out in a whisper, "I could never rescue you."

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_  
_How to save a life_  
_How to save a life_

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_  
_How to save a life_


End file.
